Any second now, the network buzz machines are gonna start cranking into overdrive hyping all their new pieces of crap. EW and TV Guide will commence salivating over potential cover victims (Remember EW fall preview cover chick Alicia Silverstone last year? Who says there's no such thing as bad PR?) And our favorite D.C. snarkmeisters, USA Today's Robert Bianco and WashPost's Lisa DeMoraes, are positively giddy right about now: In a couple days, they'll have a whole new batch of shitty shows to dismiss based upon nothing more than 4-minute clips.
Here at OBDS...E, we're determined to be the very first out of the gate with B.S. buzz, unthoughful opinions and snap judgements. Who cares if some of the shows below never make it on the air? Or if the entire pilot is trashed over the summer (yes, we're talking about you, Jessica Sampson)?
With apologies to the aforementioned DeMoreas, We Watch So You Don't Have To. Here's what sucks and what doesn't:
Jessica (ABC): If your name isn't Jessica Simpson and you were an actor on this pilot, call your agent. Now. 'Cause this show ain't getting ordered as-is. Either it's completely killed...or, more likely, they'll blame everyone by JS for this crime against humanity, and recast all of your asses. (Seriously, Rumsfeld would definitely be forced out if the military started showing this to the Iraqi detainees). Jessica's not god-awful here; she's actually got some charm. But they've made her so dumb, not even Nick would want to hang out with her. Total suckage.
Foster Hall (NBC): We were psyched when we heard Mac Culkin was gonna be in a TV show. Not sure why, but maybe we thought he'd be a different face. And hey, look who's exec producing: It's Conan O'Brien! Love the Conan! But clearly O'Brien decided to say "screw you" to Jeff Zucker for renewing Jay Leno until the Apocalypse without giving him an adequate heads up. Cause this thing is just...bad. Weird. It's about a brother and sister who were orphans as kids, and still have a lot of hostility toward everyone, including each other. People scream a lot in this one. Everyone hates each other or is a total freak. It's a friggin' mess. NBC has wisely already told the producers "no thanks."
North Shore (Fox): Fox has already said it's putting this on next month. And they've already recast a major role. We haven't seen this Hawaii soap thingy. But ya know it's gonna suck. Hopefully, it'll suck in that good soapy way.
Jennifer Love Hewitt comedy (ABC): OK, it's not that bad. We just had high hopes cuz it's from two guys who used to work on "Freaks and Geeks." And we had a little crush on Love back in the PO5 days.
But sistah looks like she's doing the crank in this show-- her hair's like Christina Aguilerra black, and she just looks bad. It's about an ESPN producer who suddenly is called up to be an on-air report cuz she's all spunky. She's got this boss, Lou Grant... I mean, Ed O'Neill with a beard... who likes spunk. She's also a single mom with a really cute 5-year-old who talks like he's on "Dawson's Creek." And the ESPN logo is ALL OVER THE FRIGGIN' PLACE, no doubt cuz producers know Bob Iger and Michael Eisner will get visibly aroused by the idea of a show that does nothing but promote ESPN...and forget that it ain't all that funny. But it's not horrible, either.
Untitled Heline & Heisler comedy: OK, first off-- couldn't anyone think of a name by now? Even just a temporary name everyone knows will be changed like 8 times over the summer. This show's about 2 really neurotic people who fall instantly in deep like/love-- so why not sumthin like "Crazy in Love" or "Love's Crazy" or ...
wait a sec: We're watching Jimmy Kimmel right now. Rick Springfield is on. Jimmy, dude, it's the friggin' May sweeps!!! You couldn't find a better musical act than Rick Springfield?
OK, back to the "Love's Crazy": OBDS...E really dug this show. No idea who the two lead actors are, which is great...cause TV's best when it makes stars. Writing's sharp, too, and funny. (Much better than "3 Sisters," which we think H&H did before.) We'll watch it if NBC puts it on after "Scrubs" Tuesday from 9-10.
UPDATE: So it looks like they're gonna call this "Crazy For You." OBDS...E was pretty darn close. Either we're geniuses...or know our network cliches all too well.
"House" (Fox): See previous post.
"Desperate Housewives" (ABC): This one's been hyped for months. Hollywood Reporter did a spotlight on it a month ago, and Daily Variety did a big story when it was just a script. According to Hollywood rules, anything so hyped has to suck (see "Jessica"....or "Chicken Soup.")
Guess what: "DH" doesn't. It's really, really good. Part of why it's good is that it's shot like a movie. Very "American Beauty." The writing's also hi-friggin-larious (big ups Chuck Pratt and Marc Cherry.) Cast is perfect, especially Marcia "Scarface" Cross from "MP" as a Martha Stewart type who tries to off her hubby. Only potential problem: It may be too smart for the "Knot's"/"Melrose" crowd. It really feels like an FX show. Critics will love the way it's shot and how the story's told, but this might work better on ABC if it were more straighforward, meat-and-potatoes soap opera. Still think it's an amazing pilot.
"Doing It" (ABC): OK, remember those "Freaks and Geeks" dudes who did Love's comedy? They also wrote this drama for ABC... and it's like a thousand times better. Before we saw it, we said ABC would never put it on (see below.) Still don't know if the Mouse brigade will take a risk on a show in which high school kids talk about the nasty non-stop, or where an underage boy nearly kisses his teacher. But ABC should go for it, cause this show is the shizzle. Cast is WB-friendly, writing sharp, and it's amazingly shot. The three leads talk stop the action and talk to the camera-- sorta feels like a reality show confessional, but more personal. Kelly Osbourne's even OK. Of course, this is also the network that broke our heart with "My So-Called Life"...so dunno if we trust them.